Growing pains

20 April 2016

Dear boys,

I need your help! I am experiencing terrible growing pains... 

It only seems like two sleepless nights ago that you were tiny babies, 
looking up at me with wonder in your eyes. 
I was your world...

I am sorry if I did not always appreciate these days.
The multiple, minute, repetitive moments that filled them made it sometimes feel like forever...
I am sorry that sometimes I felt lonely, even though I had you...
I am sorry I was afraid that I was getting it wrong...
I am sorry that I watched you closely, too closely at times...
I am sorry that I wasted time waiting for the next milestone to come...
I am sorry that I wasted energy comparing your path with others...
But most of all I am sorry that I didn't realise how, with each milestone you were moving further and further away from me...

I wish with ever fibre of my being that I could feel/experience one more time how:

Your tiny, soft foot fit in the palm of my hand.
I could carry you in one arm (resting you on my hip) whilst cleaning with the other one.
Your first words were spat out with pride and determination.
You pulled funny faces as you experimented with new foods.
Your warm body curled into me in bed with your feet flat against my side. 
The sound of your giggle filled the emptiness when I blurted your belly.
You only covered your excited face during games of Hide and seek.
You squealed go faster during bike rides to the duck pond.
Holding you tiny hand in mine made me feel safe.
I had to rush my shower because you needed me.
You repeatedly asked questions.
My pockets were always full of your special finds. 
Going to the toilet became a group outing.
Your little face appeared at the window as I left for work.

I failed... In the business of our lives,
I failed to spot the tell tale signs that things were changing.
In my blinkered,  rush to get life done,
I missed the signs that you were outgrowing me physically and emotionally.
But I can't fail to notice it now... 

It hits me right between the eyes, every time I look at your long legs.
It weighs me down, when I try to lift you up.
It cuts deep, everytime I offer my hand and you refuse.
It saddens my soul, when paw patrol isn't cool enough anymore.
It wakes me up, when we read and you say no my turn mummy.
It laughs in my face, when you want to play with your friends instead of do crafts with me.
It makes my tummy flip, when you refuse face painting or dressing up.
It pricks my consciousness, when there's no-one at the window to wave goodbye.
It cripples my confidence when you utter the words; 'Oh Mum, embarrassing."
It fills me with sadness, when you have nothing to tell me.
It says I told you so, everytime you dash out of the door without a kiss!

Now it is me who is looking at you with eyes filled with wonder,
Who wants to ask you all the questions,
Who wants to follow you and snuggle at your side...

Please cut mummy some slack and give me that occasional squeeze,
Tell me about your day, let me call you my baby, hold my hand, sometimes...

Know that you will always be my world even when I'm no longer yours!

Pockets reference - you must read the post by occupation mother. 

©spectrum mum ~ ( 2014 - present day. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to spectrum mum with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
© Spectrum Mum. Design by FCD.