A Glimpse into our Autism: Sad

7 February 2018

Dear friend,

Today I feel sad...

Today I feel like I am drowning in my sadness.

Today I am engulfed by a great wave of negativity that is pushing me down deeper and deeper into the darkness.

How have I got to this point?

I am a task completer, a do-er an action taker, a fixer!

When faced with a problem then I am the person to stand up and challenge the bugger head on.

I am fierce, passionate, hard-working and determined.

I am one of the strongest women you know.

But today the sadness has taken over...

I am sad that I feel alone.
It is 2 years since my son received any form of therapy. He was deemed 'not bad enough' and 'not old enough' we were discharged (let go) from our safety net. 

I am sad that I didn't fight for more.
Maybe if I had shouted louder, fought more, ignored the advice. 

I am sad that I didn't seek help earlier.
Was it my pride? 

I am sad that it took so long for help to come.
I asked for support but due to financial cuts, over demand etc we have waited 6 months for help.

I am sad that the system is failing families.
There are too many children and not enough people to help. We got lost in the system.

I am sad that even though I could see this coming there was nothing I could do.
I can not control everything that happens in life, I can not make everything safe for him.

I am sad that I have to fight for everything for my son.
Where do we go? Who do we see? What is there for us now? It shouldn't be so hard to find out!

I am sad that my love isn't enough.

But most of all I am sad that my son is depressed, that he is lost.

My son is sad!

Today I feel beaten, broken, exhausted, confused, angry.

But tomorrow I will get up and fight again... because I have to!

This is for every special needs family out there fighting their corner.

A glimpse into autism is a series of short letters that explore the impact autism has on our family on a day to day basis. Disclaimer:  this is our experience not all autistic people are the same. 

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