Ways children torture their parents

14 October 2015

Dear friend,

Today whilst making lunch for my kids they sat playing on the Nintendo DS and the iPad. Yes I know screen time is the devil, bla, bla, bla. Anyway I digress. After about 5 minutes I snapped and screamed; which one of you is that? Turn the bloody sound down it is like a form of torture! 

If your kids have these things too then you’ll understand, the constant repetition of tinny techno music drives me totally insane. It climbs into my brain and blocks up my synapses so I just can't think!

But actually it did get me thinking. I could seriously sign my kids up for the FBI. Withholding information? My two will get any information out of the most hardened criminals in 2 minutes. In their short time on earth they have perfected the art of parental torture. 

Torture methods my boys have perfected:

  • Watching the same film/program over and over again.
  • Needing you the minute your bum hits the toilet seat.
  • Listening to nursery rhymes (now techno music) time and again in the car.
  • Keeping you up all night, every night until the age of 2.
  • Acting like what you have spent all afternoon cooking is the spawn of Satan and refusing to eat or even look at it.
  • Repeatedly asking the same question, often involving why?
  • Constantly talking in Minion voices. 

  • Deciding today is the day they will actually listen to mummy and daddy then repeat the conversation verbatim to Grandma who now knows exactly what you think of her interfering/food/new lamp. (Ooppps, I didn't learn!)
  • Having to go back 3 times for an eye test because they got bored in the middle and couldn't be bothered. 
  • Deciding to have a kamikaze poo when you only nipped out for 5 mins, minus the changing bag.
  • Going missing. Deciding it would be fun to go to the playground without telling anyone. (OK this one was serious torture!)
  • Hand marks over every pane of glass, mirror and shiny surface 5 minutes after you’ve cleaned them.
  • Waiting until 9.30 p.m. to say their homework’s due, tomorrow.
  • Constantly watching people playing video games on YouTube! Just no…
  • Repeating the same word over and over.
  • Stupid conversations which usually involve one of the 3 P’s: Pee, Pumps or Penises. 
  • Playing with their penis during a school performance, football practice etc
  • Wee on the bathroom floor V bare feet. (Do I need to say more?)
  • Not flushing the toilet.
  • Announcing to all in the Drs waiting room that Mummy snores like a pig.
  • Thinking it was funny to wear your bra on their head in front of guests.
  • Asking; Where’s nana? At her wake.

My goodness I need to stop myself I think I could have gone on forever with this list. 

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