H Days: The end is in sight...

5 February 2016

Dear friends,

It has been 3 weeks and 3 days since H day. Its one of those weird memory tricks where it feels like only yesterday but also feels like ages ago, as though it all happened to someone else. Pre op I was given a pamphlet by the hospital that told me what to expect. I read it in a kind of panic only taking in about 10% of the information but one thing that stuck out to me was 3 weeks after surgery you can go back to work if you feel ready. I am not ready to go back!

I've been really stressing about going back to work. It's been on my mind every day. Don't get me wrong, no one is putting pressure on me but me. In fact I have my hubby, mum and mother in law telling me the opposite, saying I'm not ready, telling me not to rush! Perhaps it is the curse of being a teacher that you can't stand feeling like you are letting people down, letting the kids down.

I have driven a couple of times, short distances e.g. Little man to physio. I have walked to the shop (for bread nothing heavy) and to school to collect the boys (end of the road). I am getting stronger but I can't walk around for too long or I get pain and need to sit. I also get tired quite quickly. I am still going to bed when the kids do, poor hubby! But on a positive I am feeling less dizzy and I am getting stronger. 

I think I am disappointed with myself. I wanted to be Wonder Woman, the strong, in control type, to return to work 3 weeks later fighting fit, lippy and heels, ready for anything, running around like nothing had happened...

And there it is, I want to be able to pretend like this hasn't happened to put it behind me, forget it, brush it under the carpet. It is like part of me sees illness as a sign of weakness. I need to be strong and in control at all times, I cannot let anyone see I'm struggling or I am weak.

What a lot of pressure to put yourself under and I certainly wouldn't want my boys to feel it. But I'm not sure how to stop feeling that way.

Any tips? Am I the only one who feels like that? 

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